spasey

06:17 pm: Ew!
I have another cold sore.
Cold sores make me sad.

:*(

10:33 am: Score!
I just got back in touch with K man! This is most awesome because he seriously is.. Well... AWESOME! ./Love love love.
Haven't seen him since christine (His sister) moved back home to japan and he went too. Hes come back. Yay! Wish christine would come back too :*(

They are the most awesome brother and sister in the whooole wide world. Tehy couldn't be more like chalk and cheese if they tried though :P

08:27 pm: Meep.
Was on the way home from work today and there just happened to be a group of fine young emo babies standing around. Heres me thinking fuck yeah... Sexy biatch on a motorbike... Gonna have fun an smoke them out with my rs. Whilst i made my move i was too distracted by one fine guys tighty whitties. I stalled my back and tipped it into the barrier. How embarrasing.

Quikly rode round the corner.. Check my bike for damaged (There was none) and prayed they didn't ever see me again. Shame really. Tighty was hawt.

PURE bored tonight. Raid is full and im stuck in. Seen all my films a BILLION times. Not in the mood for a game by myself and my pc needs sorting cause it's lagggggy. Also when i got home today one of my fishies were today. Thank god it's not Fran. I have a special bond with Fran ./Hugs fish.

Decided id do some work on my bike to cheer me up and keep me busy. Nothing but RAGE! For those that don't know i bailed on my bike a few weeks ago and i've left both handle pins bent... Almost to the poitn where i can ride my bike around whilst waving the bars in the air like a mad man on crack ^^ Despite how much fun this sounds after a close call in not being able to turn right fast enough i realised.. It isn't the safest way to ride my bike. I can't even order tha parts i need as i don't ahve a bank card cause my bank sucks bean, so i tempt fixed them by bashing away at them with an allen key and screwdriver whilst swearing like like a gay nazi until they moved no more.
Then decided to move onto my master cyl. Uh uh uh uh. I caught it with my foot during the crashy and the butterfly came off. Break fluid all leaked out so have been riding without that too. This is also not safe. ^^ Got the fluid. Bought a new tie for it and what should happen. I CANT GET THE DAMN LID OFF THE RES! Fucking thing! ./Sulks.

So now i'm going to read Call Girl by Jenny Angell. Squeeness.

07:59 pm: OH MY DAYS!
I must have been one depressed 17 year old. i just read all 4 of my previous post and.. Ick.
The scary thing is i actually remember feeling like that.

On the bright side. I'm a much happier person now.
I can legally get served at a bar :P Provided i have my I.d ^^

12:11 am: It was bound to happen.
i was fine for a while.
Not great.
Just fine. And now the one thing i thought could never happen has.
Most people who have know me know ive never been the most affectionate person at the best of times.
Or at the worst.
I always found that my solitude was inside of me.
Even my grandparents didnt know the disturbing things in my past and i cant decide if i regret it.
Not that it matters.
They cant hear me know because they are ash beneath the earth.
Besides... From what ive heard these feelings will happen to most people.
Some will suffer many times over this. I for one learn from my mistakes and now, although this may seem a bit of a sarifice which it probably will turn out to be ... is.
I have come to the conclusion that any relationship with anyone is purely not something that is for me.
Real people can live in my dreams. They just break them.
They cant be the person you place on the pedistal.
They cant be your saviour.
Who knows,naybe in 50 years when im old ill meet some man past my prime time and ill find what i had been looking for.
But as it is ive made the last mistake ill ever make.
And i return back to the way i was for many years.
The kind of person that doesnt exist.
You can see me.
But youll never know me.
I wont be known.
Ill face the world with only a half hearted smile and ill wait for my time to pass in the shadows of existance.


But back to what this is about.
This is about how i thought i was immuned to certain human characteristics.
I thought wrong cleary.
Im as weak as the next person.
I may not fall i love everyday like some ...And i may take a damn long time to realise y feelings.
This is about how emotion is pointless.
it causes more pain than it provides happiness.
I hate it.
Ill said a few years ago i would never become attached to anyone again because it only lead to hurt.
i was right.
It only lead to hurt.
Maybe if i wasnt so slow oand realised how i felt a damn lot faster i could have done something
But what?
He clearly never felt the same and i was only ever sex to him.
Hmmm...
So as easy as it cae its gone and i forget how he looks already.
every memory erased.
Every thought out cast.
Repressed.
its still there i just choose not to notice it.
Give it the time of day.
Its all in the past and that is where it will stay.

On a lighter note i got ran over when in the drunken confusion that is my emotion ran through town in a haze.

This experience should be documented because its the second most painful in my life...
First being the deaths of my grandparents who raised me.
What scares me most is that this upsets me more than all the other bad things in my life..
And at the same time it brings it all back.
And just like seeing dave...
Seeing hi will remind e of this mistake i have made.
So its my decision to move away from here as soon as possible.
Ill leave every single memory i have here and ill never come back.
Not even in a coffin.

its funny that you tell someone thats dying youll never forget the and after two years....
you stop visiting to put new flowers there each weekend...
And at the same time they stop visiting your dreams...

just shows time slows the pain... but still leaves the scars

01:20 am: I need to sort myself out.
Im so upset about things that before... Before wht i dont know. Would not have had nearly the same effect on me.
Something me has changed and i cant handle my feelings like i could before.
My way of handling them ofcourse is to throw them away like i never had them.
But now i find my self wanting to cry at the most pathetic thing like ... Theres a bird with no feet.

I know why im doing it and i cant stop myself.
I always thought i could save myself and now i realise i cant i know im fucking scewed.
I know no one will save me.
Its not fair.
If ive changed so many peoples life because i was the only person willing to change it for them.
Why cant anyone help change mine?

Im going to be stuck being depressive for the rest of my life. No one even notices anymore but me.
I feel like i can sit in the middle of town dying and no one would even like down on me in pitty.
Im not used to being loved or wanted. Or any other things like that.
but now im old enough to remeber a time when someone did love me.
When someone made an effort to spend time with me.
At the same time im old enough to remeber they are dead.
ANd now i cant even recognise them in a picture.
A constant reminder that im not who i used to be.
Im forgetting things.
Forgetting myself.
Im currently undergoing some self salvation and releasing myself of all my addicitions.
yeah, it hurts like hell. More than anything.
But no one even noticed how bad i got.
No one noticed what im having to go through now. All on my own.
I feel sick at the thought of anything other than it.
I constantly look sick.
Itch.
Twitch.
Internal cramps.
Cant sleep.
Cant eat.
Pass out.
Cant see further than my hand, on a good day.
I cant think for longer than 10 minutes.
Im dead in my own body.
Even stoping this wont bring me backt to life again.
theres some things that wont ever change.
And its how i feel about everything.

01:13 am: My ''Pet'' theory on life.
Theres two kinds of people in this world.
The good people.
And the bad people.
No matter how many people i meet.
It always seems to me like the good people get the shit deal.
The bad people however. Always seem to come out on top, and rub it in the good peoples faces.
Its a wonder there are any good people leaft in this world at all.

Ive come to the conclusion that money has nothing to do with being happy. And the richest good people could still come out on the bottom. Probably will actually.

Theres a few specific people i know that helpme to realise this one is rich, sad and ... Isnt a happy person.
The other ... Wouldnt have any money if she wasnt such a junkie and had an assortment of children that almost look like a collage of races.
But ... Shes happy because everything for the rest of her life is going to be easy. All she has to do is get pregnant every once in a while.

But what about the mothers who cant afford to pay for their children because they work all the hours god could send?
These are the good people. The smart people. Who will, enevitably finnish last.

01:08 am: Introduction.
This is an introduction to my new LJ.
Id like to clear the water here first.
This LJ,although puplished and freely available to anyone on the net.
Is for no one. NO ONE. Other than me.
You will never know anything about me apart from what you see here.
I will not write about locations or anything material.
Only feelings and all the other crap i cant say to someone elses face.

In my entries i will talk about the entire truth. Nothing but. For me to see.
And the best thing is. Ill maintain it this time.